the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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