wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
