puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
