the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
