I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize