I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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