____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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