Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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