my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
