He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
