If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize