Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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