Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
