He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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