the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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