Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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