OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
