matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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