Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
