I accidentally burped into my bong.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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