i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
