my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
