Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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