The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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