I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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