Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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