Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
