My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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