I hate all girls vehemently.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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