dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
