Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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