I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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