Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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