we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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