Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
