I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
