I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
