the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
