Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize