im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
