Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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