i permit you to call me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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