I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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