I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
