he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
