I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
