You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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