I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
