so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
