He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
