Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
