R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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