I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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