i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
