I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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