What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
