i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
