If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
