I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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