Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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